A huge joke

Happy new year!

Still can't believe that my year started incredibly crappy. Where should I start?

Another 10 days passed. I have been taking all the initiative in hanging out, which was very unusual of me. Anyway, I thought there is always a first time for everything. But it turned out that, he will never make the first move. So it's always gonna be me.

The details of what's going on was not worthwhile to record. However, I have to admit that I am naive enough not to see the dual personality of a person. The whole scenario brought me nothing but disappointment.

How can a masculine, serious, caring and responsible person turned out to be a childish and self-centred mama's boy?

The first day of 2010, my eyes were opened. Frustration was like haemoglobin, travelling around my body. You know what? I don't wanna talk about this anymore because this could be the most ridiculous relationship happened in my life, ever. Wait... let's not even call it a relationship because there was zero communication between us. Also, twenty days passed since the first day he grabbed my hand into his palm, he still refused to kiss me. Not considering this as a relationship, but a huge joke. What an experience!

A joke

Started from Dec 11, 2009 until today. It has been 10 days. I am starting to believe that God is making a huge joke with me. HE fulfilled my hope of having a relationship. But... there is always a but..... It really turned to something unpleasant, in only 10 days.

I can't help myself but ask, was that me who had too much fantasy about this? Thought the beginning of a relationship should be the sweetest in the entire time. Something like.. you can see no one else but him in this world. Something like... time is passing too fast that you don't think you have spent enough time with him. Something like... you feel like the luckiest person on earth because you have him.

What on earth is happening? We were just as plain as water, with zero compassion

miss granny

I saw Grandma in my dream the other day. She was sitting there, a lil bit different from before. Without any delay, I ran over and gave her a big hug. I miss her sooooo much...

Thinking too much

Today, from the way you got on the van, I started to realize that I may be thinking too much, dreaming too much. I have put myself into an unreachable dream again.

Think positively, there is something to look forward to and something to dream of, at least... ...

Christ the King

It has been too long ago since the last time I saw my brothers and sisters from katso. Those who were nice enough to spend an afternoon with me to share the joy of graduation, I thank you. For those who couldn't spare the time for me..... well may be next time.

But the photo taking was not the highlight of the day. The greatest thing that had happened was the mass. We celebrated Christ the King on Sunday. It was so addicted. Everytime I attend a mass, I always wish the next Sunday could come sooner. And the same thing happened this time.

Today, I have got a chance to visit QMH for blood test. Returning to K1836, they diverted me to E303. What a difficult venue to look for! Then the two familiar voices entered my ears, I knew I was at the right place. After one year, I met you again. I was surprised with the way you looked at me. You said my panda's eyes have improved. We don't meet very often, but I have different feelings everytime I see you. You were my crush, but not anymore. Recently, you are definitely a funny person with a sense of humour to me. You bring me joy my friend. Hahahahaha

It was so funny, he got me an adapter today. He handed it to me in secret. I was soooo melted.

Tachycardia

My first present from you --- your encouragement in difficult time. It meant so much to me.

On this special night, you gave me an episode of tachycardia when our eyes met.

Even though it may last only for a night, it was so worth it.

I thank You.

Meant to be?

Can he be my meant to be?

If yes, please guide him to make his move, as soon as possible.

Otherwise, things may get too late. There will be no return, but regrets.

It's really frustrated to guess around like this. Do I have that much time to wait anymore?

Please make the move before I am tired of this game. S'il Vous Plait. I beg you.

My boss' Boss

We accidentally ran into each other on one of my late night work. It was probably because of her concern, she asked me about the late night work. I usually stayed late because I spent a lot of time chatting with patients, relatives and paperwork.

She stopped walking and seriously had a conversation with me about the late work. It was a sincere reminder of people's prospective of late night work. Someone will think people stay overtime because they are hardworking. But some people will think that those who need to stay overtime are not efficient enough in their job. I am very lucky to have a boss to see me in the first scenerio.

Honestly, people have warn me about the possible consequence of leaving late. But then I certainly think that completion and communication are priority in my job. I can care less about what people think. However, I am so glad to have this conversation with my boss' boss. Knowing her point of view equals to gaining her support in my attitude for work.

To have such fantastic communication with my boss' boss, I am very satisfied. To gain her greatest support, I feel blessed. I love my boss' boss.

My Boss

Sometimes when you look back on what you did, you can't help yourself to say...... why on earth do I have to be that stupid?

On tuesday, there was an orientation for newly recruited employee. I was one of the fresh graduates to attend the lecture. Some ridiculous thing happened in the morning. Honestly, when I retrieved the story, I can't help myself but saying, you are so damn stupid.

When I was blaming on myself for all the fault, my boss called me to her room. We had a long talk. She could either punish me by yelling, or giving me a warning letter. But she talked to me instead, making sure I understood the proper way of work and to erase the way I thought at the beginning. From her generosity, not only I gained the forgiveness, I learned a valuable lesson.

I sincerely thanked her with all my heart. She knew that I have been too naive in this style of business, in this working environment. And she thoroughly understood my personality..... already.... independent (a bit too independent), determined (who doesn't know the boundary), stubborn (to people, it's really not a good thing), but do have a caring heart for patients (muchly appreciated).

In only 3 months time, she looked me through. I love my boss.

The thing for shoes

Don't you think I really do have a thing for shoes?



For all these years, it was so difficult a good pair of shoes for myself. Why do shoes have to be that expensive?

A colleague wore a pair of violet shoes to work. Toc toc toc, it was the sound of elegance. A lady could become so confident because of this particular sound, because of the pair of shoes. Saturday, I found that pair of shoes at the store. It was $499.

If $499 can buy beauty, confidence and elegance, it's so worth-it. Therefore, I set a limit for myself.

$500

Anything under five hundred dollars can be considered. C'mon, I am a girl who can afford to spend that money to equip myself to be more beautiful than I already am.

The shopping continued. $739, $799, $879, $899, $988, $1046. Whichever shoes I picked up, the price tag just pushed me to release it from my hand. My goodness, why do the shoes I fond of have to be that expensive? Damnit!

I just wrote myself an entry of the Carrie Bradshaw side of me, evolved from "The devil wears Prada".

Neurological Return

Once again, I experienced the joy of neurological return.

When I first saw this man, I was quite surprised. He was only 67. They all thought that he was suffered from depression. We all thought it was a dense CVA which implied no one would expect any return. His bed mobility and transfer were totally dependent. He felt dizziness whenever he stood upright. Walking was totally out of the story.

Right now, he was able to do bed mobility and transfer and even walking with 1 assist. I was so happy for him. He smiled whenever I joked with him. The joy of rehabilitation was completely experienced through this patient. The rehabilitation was not only based on his physical ability, but also mentally.

Glad to see him smile. Although he is leaving tomorrow, he will continue his training in Geriatric Day Hospital. Hopefully he can achieve his maximum potential. I sincerely wish him good luck in the future.

Thank you Lord for bringing the joy to me. Thank YOU!

Spirit's back

The smile is coming back to me these days. Yeah!

Evil Plan

Muahahahaha, I am having an evil plan in mind. I didn't suggest it, mom did. C'mon, I am waiting for you to kick me out of the house.

We visited granny's grave today. After 5 years, the memory was still fresh. Everything happened that day had not faded away, not a bit of it, as well as the day after. She is forever beautiful and gentle in my heart. I miss her very much.

When I was at work one day, a nurse helped a patient to clear the bowel as the patient did not have powerful muscle strength to do so. I visualized the whole process, and smelled it. "The spirit of Florence Nightingale", the nurse yelled. What a powerful phrase to keep her strong in dealing with tough and nasty scenarios. She completely gained my respect.

Florence Nightingale, the lady with the lamp, who lights up the world, gives hope for the poor.

My Dream

The breakdown is hopefully over. Kinda helped myself to be relaxed most of the time. It may help me to stay calm for a while, but don't know how long it will last.

A colleague asked me a question today. Do you have dreams? What is your dream? It could be anything from being an ant to floating in the universe. His dream includes a house at the beach, a boat placed upside down along side at the shore, enjoying a warm moment with his family.

What is my dream? I am always a dreamer, but I wasn't able to answer this question right away. But being a dreamer, it guides me to be drown in my perfect dream and refuse to come back to reality. Dangerous!

I am scared to think about my dream anymore.

Crisis

I don't mean to babble here everyday about how I don't enjoy my life here. But then, whenever this sensitive topic was brought up, tears flooding wasn't able to be avoided, like what happened today during breakfast.

Thanks Celia very much for keeping my accompanied in the crazy Karaoke room last night, to keep me from thinking..... and crying.

Smile is gone

It was about a year ago that I met this friend, after I came back from the olympics. We had dinner Friday night to "celebrate" his birthday. The conversation was great but I didn't expect him to ask me direct questions and to give direct comments. Don't get me wrong, I like people to be as direct as possible because it saves a lot of guessing. This is the key of communication.



Anyway, the direct questions touched the sensitive zone of mine, like guys and dating. I gave the most direct answer. "No guy was around while I'm in HK, for all these three years."



The direct comments told the truth that a lot of people wouldn't tell me. He said, "You look prettier than the last time I saw you. But you are upset. You smiled a lot even though you still needed to deal with the family problem back then. Now it seems like everything's resolved but your smile has vanished. What happen to you?"



Is it really? Am I that easy to read? Honestly, I don't really get to see this friend very often. My parents can't tell that I have been crying everyday for already almost a week. He read my mind thoroughly. The only thing he doesn't know is what on earth took the happiness away from me.



The problem is too complicated. Work, family, imaginery relationship.



To make the story short, work is the only place I can find satisfaction of life. After work, I am kinda lost. One day I came home, I was glad and relieved not to see anybody at home. When they came home, there were complaints of pain. "Mon, my shoulder's hurting." "Mon, I think it's time to show your talent on my neck." It's not like I didn't want to do it. Number 1, they usually take that for granted and it's my fault if I refuse. Number 2, I am so damn tired from work both physically and mentally. It would be nice if I can have a break, thank you very much. Just stop talking to me.



Please, someone get me outta here.

Emotional breakdown

I always blame the coffee, even though it's the love of my life.

Volleyball is one of the most enjoyable time during the busy week. However, like the other issues in life, it became a heavy burden on my pre-existing negative energy. I cried on court. The coach wasn't there, so players tried to come up with some "organized" drills. To be honest, those were quite organized but not effective at all. I tried to give advice but obviously it wasn't accepted. Teammates suffered and I observed their face to become more pale in the middle of the drill. It was my turn. I honestly thought I went through the sports induced asthmatic attack.

The sense of failure, incompentancy, insufficient came altogether at the same moment. I can't take it anymore so I went out and cried out loud.

Work is supposed to be fun, but it isn't fun anymore.
Volleyball is supposed to be fun, but it isn't fun anymore.
Life is supposed to be fun, but there is nothing enjoyable at all.

Whenever I think of the fact that I am stuck with this life forever and ever, I can't help myself from bursting into tears. This fragile girl here is waiting for someone to rescue from the current life right now. She needs help to find the reachable goals and foreseeable directions.

Where is this rescue? She hasn't been waiting long enough. Where is ....?

Honeymoon has gone

Two weeks ago, I still thought that I had the greatest profession on earth. I still thought that I was able to offer assistance to people in need. I still thought that I could gain satisfaction from what I do everyday. However, for these two weeks, far too much has happened. It was too overwhelming, and I started to question my own competency.

Honeymoon period has gone. I started to face challenging patients, challenging cases, challenging scenarios. The word "enjoy" doesn't fit in everyday life anymore because the only thing I should do is to maximally avoid "weird" things to happen.

A lot of my colleagues believe in me, including my dearest PI. To disappoint them is the very last thing I wanna do.

P.S. If patients could offer a little help..... STOP ASPIRATION!!!

Dreamer

It was such a wonderful night. With crowds of people in the water world, I found my dearest friends hanging around together.

The ones who have class, enjoyed a glass of champagne with me in the pool. Spotlights were located at the bottom of the pool, providing a dim environment, a relaxed atmosphere. We saluted with our glasses and laughter floated automatically around us. What an enjoyable moment!!

Time flew by like the speed of light. We didn't realize it was morning already. Everybody was about to leave. At the elevator, I met you. You came to this wonderful water world too. But you didn't seem to plan on enjoying the time here, as you were carrying a huge stack of notes with a folder. I called your name. You stopped and looked back, smiling to me. You agreed that it was a waste to give up the nice playground for work. That's why I took you to the shore. We took off our shoes, dipped our feet into the water. It was refreshing! Not only because of the cool water, gentle breeze, but also we were enjoying this precious time together. You almost wanted to freshen up yourself by dipping your head into the water. I was so glad that you finally learned to entangle yourself and live in the moment.

But then, time has come and my soul was forced back to reality.......

Mother Teresa

She's my role model -- The servant of the Poorest of the Poor.

Recently

Lack of reading, lack of vocab. This is so true. I am losing it.

My colleagues finally watched my performance on stage for the KCC dinner. Everybody was so surprised to see my performing character that night. People may say that was a torture to us indeed. However, I enjoyed it very much myself. It felt like I can easily adapt to a new character when I was covered with the special costume. If I have the picture, I would definitely wanna post it here :)

After one month of work, I finally had Karaoke lunch with Baby Celia!!!! It was such a great day that we went almost crazy in that little room. I think we should get on the dance floor next time, so that we can go CrazIER!

Finally get off work right on the official time. Therefore, this little graduate got a chance to go back to school to visit my dearest teacher. I got a chance to talk to one of my favourites - Sharon. She was happy for me that I didn't have to worry for too much about my career. But on the other hand, she pointed out my weakness, thoroughly. I felt so naked at the moment.

She said I was not susceptable to changes. Sometimes, it's so true that I didn't wanna accept.
She said I should find something precious in life which is more important than work. This is so sad that I wasn't able to control. Sigh... this is true again. Life is so empty without work. Therefore, joy and happiness only float around me in the hospital. Outside of it, I have no soul.

Time flies

Today is the completion of three weeks of my new career. That was really fast. It was so great that I am gradually picking up the rhythm of my work. I am getting closer and closer to the designated time of "off". Thank God for granting me the adaptation.

Some of my friends are starting as well. Good luck to them and keep in touch.

One of my patient had #Pelvis. She couldn't walk... for more than a week. One day, she was so excited to tell me that she could walk. She wanted to show me the way she walked in the gym. And then she showed.. that wasn't the proper way of walking.... someone else told her to do that (i.e the Green party). Her walking gait was weird and abnormal. So I taught her the proper way of walking, gave her magnetic therapy. Pain was subsided and she could walk again. She was so happy, and my tears of joy were trembling around my heart!

There may be politics. There may be aggressive people. There may be people who can't wait to show off. There may be people who criticize a lot. But I love this job right now, and I hope I will not stop loving it.

Miffy

We had a volleyball match today at Tin Shui Wai. Woke up at 6am. Left by 6:30am, Hang Hom by 7:10am, Tin Shui Wai by 8am. What a long journey. Then what happened is... while I wanna put 110% in the match, my teammates weren't on the same page as me. And therefore, we were eliminated after the first game. I was kinda disappointed, but then how can a team win the game when most of the people on the team don't believe so. Sigh... anyhow... this is not the highlight of
the day.

Friends Forever!!!

Miffy and I haven't met for a very very very very very long time. The last time I saw her was at Ayu and Fai's wedding, which was in April. A lot of things have changed since then. My graduation, my new job, her change in career, and her decision to study again. I was so glad to have some lone time with her to catch up with things. We shopped in Tsuen Wan with crowds of people. But we didn't care because we only focused on ourselves. For some reasons, retardness has never left us when we were together. Laughters followed us for the entire time. And we were so noisy and did stupid things on the streets. LOL

She started to worry about me for being single at my age. To be honest, I have been worried since my last break up. But then what can I do? I was described as independent, which most guys in HK don't appreciate.... anyway...... I don't wanna continue with this because the conclusion doesn't sound pleasant to me.

Great day today! Thank you Miffy!!

Stolen

We were in the same class in kindergarden. We were also in the same class in elementary school. I was invited to her birthday party every year. We hanged out together during recess. And we discussed homework over the phone for the whole night. I was so glad to have this friend.

Then we went to the same highschool. We were in the same class in the first year, so as the second year. Then one day during the second year, another friend said she wanted to hang out with us. So we hang out. She didn't really talk to me when we were together. She only talked to my friend, completely ignored me. Then gradually, somehow they were always alone. She always needed some help from my friend, while I was busy with volleyball. And so, our contact was less than the day before, day by day. In the third year, we were in different classes which led to decrease chance of interaction. Then we didn't celebrate our birthdays anymore. We didn't talk to each other anymore.

Now that we grow up, we don't have each other's contact anymore. I hate that girl.

And it's like history repeats itself.


There is great chance that I am not able to find someone to share our lives together. Friends will be my only spiritual support to face the shits happened in life. If this component is lost as well, I really have nothing. Life is not possible to go on. It's not possible......

Eat Pork

Eat Pork
Definition: (verb) taking up his/her cases when the staff is on holiday.

There were two PT I taking on holidays for the next two weeks. Therefore, I need to eat pork for the upcoming two weeks. I have three pieces of pork to eat.

Other staff may think that it is causing a heavy burden for me because I am still adapting to the normal case load. However, I think of as a positive scenerio. The "God of PNF" reserved these three pieces of pork for me. He must have thought that I am competent enough to increase my caseload for a bit, and those "porks" are easy enough for me to handle. I should thank him for trusting my ability.

For the clinical placements in the past three years, I usually enjoyed my placements in inpatient settings. There was enormous stress but I was also worried that the last day might come too soon.

A week has passed. I thought it was really really tough work and I couldn't wait to get out of this place. On Friday, after I finished all the documentation, I had the same feeling of worrying the last day may come too soon. I was hesitated to leave. I did not want to leave. It was a friday.

This is the sign of turning into a workaholic.

Being a staff

The thing that I am worried the most, happened within 4 days after being a staff.

Last summer, people asked me if I want to work in Hong Kong. My answers were the same to everyone -- probably not, because of the workload. The workload in HA is too heavy that sooner or later I will become a robot just to finish the work without care.

The workload right now is considered as normal for a normal staff. However, what I observed right now is that, there is a lack of quality in the service that I am providing, there is overtime work, therefore, there is a lack of quality of life for myself. What a shame.

Honestly, I am quite disappointed in the work that I did within the past week. I just couldn't finish all of them. There is insufficient time to do detailed assessment, therefore, there is insufficient data in identifying the main issue. A couple of patients have multiple joint problems which occupied most of my time and I am screwed for the rest of the day.

Therefore, here's the plan. Start early, documentation during lunch time, overtime for only half an hour. I'd rather improve the quality of service as my priority. Just hopefully, my OT will gradually shorten, and hopefully, as soon as possible.

Watch as a gift

There are reasons why I don't usually wear a watch. I actually don't wear watches.

Firstly, a watch is a weapon to hurt my patients. If I forget to remove it, it may be very inconvenient at work. Patients may get scratches from the accessories that I wear.

Secondly, wearing a watch makes a watch mark when getting a sun tan. My whole arm will be nicely tanned, except that watch mark. It could be the ugliest thing ever appear on earth.

You may tell me to remove the watch for the above two situations. However, thirdly, I don't wear watches because I know I will lose it. For all these years, it doesn't matter who gives me the watch, I lose it right away. It didn't take long... probably 2-3 months, it disappeared.

Trust me it will happen. But my dad probably observed that I don't have a watch, and he bought me a watch as a gift, for my graduation I believe. I am very very nervous right now. Honestly don't wanna lose it because it is a super beautiful watch which costs a hell lot of money. I am soooo scared of losing it.

What do I do?

Real work

When vacations over, life brings you back to reality. I should consider that as lucky to have a new beginning.

So far, I have so great colleagues and a great P1. She gives me a lot of room of freedom that I can choose my own mode of working. The most important thing is "I have to finish them". Also, all colleagues emphasize on the fact that there's no right or wrong. Therefore, I need to believe in what I believe.

Honestly, when JP Lau talks in front of us, I can feel the current of wind blowing around the room. The power can be felt all over.

Next week, I will have to be totally independent. Wish me luck.

Brussels Day 1

It was funny that I writes around strange places. I am sitting at the Grand Place of Brussels right now. Have to do this before sunset. But it's already 9pm, and it's still very very bright.

The weather is perfect today. It gets a little cold after 7pm. Thanks to Danny for giving me a heads up fo the night chill.

Aimlessly walking around the city, wasn't as lucky as last trip because I didn't get a good map. A lot of people don't speak English if you're not at the centre of the city. Honestly experienced more trouble this time because of the language barrier. Besides, the metro system is not the most convenient in the world. Therefore, I ended up walking quite a bit. This created extra stress to my injured ankle.

A very weird scenerio was observed since my arrival. There weren't too many people using sticks or canes, but a lot of crutch. When I said crutch, there was only one, not a pair. Why crutch instead of cane?

Enough of the weird/bad things. When I came to the centre of the city, it was completely different from the dealy atmosphere from the outskirts of Grand place. The Grand place was definitely amazing. It was surrounded by serveral of historical architectures. Then you sit in the square, you are immediately surrounded by the European culture. I am culturalized!!

Another thing.... that guy just won't stop talking to me. He continuously showed off where in Europe he has been working, what language he speaks, he even showed me his shopping card, ID card... what a loser!

So I basically have walked around the busiest area of Brussels. Tomorrow will be the beginning of my museum visits. It was really a pity that I didn't bring my other tour guide with me, as it has more descriptions on what to look at. But it's okay, I will survive.

Oh! The most exciting thing in the city so far was the food. Although I have not yet tried the cheese of chocolate (as they both are quite expensive), I am sure they represent the heaven of taste. As recommended by the tour map, I tried the fries with mayo. In case I didn't like it that much, it was accompanied with ketchup. It was good, but very "hot air". Required the "Ha Song kuk" tonight. And I have figured out my dinner for the following coupla days. Baguette, with cheese or spreading. I have prepared the spoon for that. Belgium waffle. I am sure both of the are very filling.

It's 9:30pm at the Grand Place. And it was till very bright!!

Amsterdam Day 0

Arrived at the airport an hour ago. Had a traditional chicken rice. Ready for the trip.

On my way here, I was still very nervous. Unable to stop thinking of what's missing, or if everything is settled. The reason being.. I have to admit that everything is very last minute. I basically only had one and a half week to prepare everything. However, at one moment, I told myself, you are on vacation, not a practical exam. You should be relaxed and enjoy. Sit back and cherish the time being away. And then, I stopped frowning, started to relax. It doesn't matter if I can't go to every spot listed in the tourist guide. You are going to be there, a beautiful foreign country. Enjoy it.

On my way here, I visualized a very sad scene. The bus to the airport costs $40. An old lady got on, and got off at aberdeen. I feel sorry for her because she will be upset if she realized that her octopus card has deducted $40 instead of $3.8.

So this is the beginning. On board in 30 minutes!!!

Vacations ON!!!

Flight ticket -------- booked

Youth hostel -------- booked

Train ticket -------- booking

Amsterdam~~~~~~~~~ Here I come!

Control Freaks

Finally found someone in the extended family also thinks that my parents are crazy, and that I am normal. Alleluia!!!

This is not the first time people tell me that my sister is more favourable to my parents, from their impressions. Deep down there, I knew that and I kept it to myself. I try not to make it a big deal.

My parents think that I am a person with no will. When I do have my own idea, I was considered as stubborn. Well, I see myself as open to options, but determined in pursuing goals.

There is no doubt they are control freaks, trying control my life and thoughts. Aunt told me to ignore their comments, avoid negative impacts from their continuous critizism. I will. I certainly will. But the way they try to physically keep me away from my graduation trip, I will not give in.

Graduation trip

At the beginning, I have decided to visit Cambodia and Vietnam. Cambodia as the priority, mainly want to be exposed to the truely natural environment, wonders of the world, and also the true poverty of the third world. However, the rainy and typhoon season created my hesitation. This place could be visited in comparatively lower humidity season. That's it. I will save the trip for later.

Right now, I am aiming for Amsterdam and Brussels. Back in 2006, when I was planning the trip to Paris & Rome, I thought of stopping at Brussels as one of the cheap flights only stop in Brussels and Rome. At that time, I didn't look into that city, but I thought to myself, when in my lifetime am I going to visit this city? If this trip is successful, I would be proud to say that, I am going to visit Brussels in 2009. Brussels is the capital of Belgium, where is right next to Netherland. There are trains between Amsterdam and Brussels which spends only 2.5 hours. It's pretty fast considering you're going to another country.

If this trip is successful, it will be more relaxing than the 2006 trip as it was 4 cities in 21 days. This time I plan to spend 2 cities in 14 days. I really set up my own pace this time.

Now I only wish..... that this trip will be successful.


Friendship issue:
Today I went out with a friend. She is always after brandname materials, like clothes, shoes, jeans, cellphones, ipods, etc. We passed by a cellphone store today. She said, "That cellphone XXX is coming out today. There must be a lot of people rushing to buy it tonight." Then I accidentally slipped out, "Then how come you're not following them?"
Guess she was pissed, "After all these years that you know me, I didn't know you see me as a person who 'follows the wind' to do things."
I am like..."I am sorry."
She went on, "I am not those people who likes to gossip or know everything about everyone...."
Then I didn't say anything, but she is the only person I told that I got C+ at UCH, and the whole class knew about that by the end of second sem.

HA interview

The day has come. No one in the house knew where I was going. Otherwise, they would be babbling around for the entire month.



Suits up, certificate prepared, I was ready to go. On this heavily rainy day, I seriously thought that I was going to be late. Then I met Chun and Michael at the minibus station. Shit! I am going to be interviewed with THEM. The worst possible thing happened. Anyway, we shared a taxi and be on time. Then I saw Winnie at the check in spot. Another Shit! All the first hon people at the same time slot, completely screwed. Winnie was checking in. She pulled out piles and piles of certificates and awards. Then it was Michael, another piles and piles of certificates. Followed by Chun, the whole freaking folder of certificates.



I am like..... um.... I don't have anything...... except my previous Bachelor cert. hm.... Didn't even take my infectious control and first aid certificates... should I bring my volleyball coach certificate... or my Beijing olympics particpation thingie... or Standard chartered marathon thingie... Anyway, I ended up with ONE certificate.



Nervous nervous nervous. Entering the room, I scrolled around the people to see who's there. Besides the huge pair of eyes rolling around me, there was Ms Poon from QMH. I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HER AGAIN!! I smiled at her immediately, then I knew she recognized me.



Then there went the questions of interview... boring.. how do you manage chronic pain, asked by Mr Chau. He didn't have any impression on my answer. But I could see the huge pair of eyes was moving up and down with her nodding head. That wasn't too bad, hopefully.



After the interview, Ms Poon came out from the room during the break. She's like, "I am so happy to see you again. You reminded me of the old man you treated. You didn't tell me about your background during placement."

Actually, I am not sure if it's a good thing or not that the CE knows about my background. From my experience at UCH and CMC, CEs had different expectations from me which I usually am unable to reach. That's how I obtained the lowest grades at those two centres. Ms Poon agreed that it was possibly better not to know to minimize bias.

I am soooo HAPPY to see Ms Poon TODAY!!!!!!!!

Some family issue...
My mom has hair line fracture at Rt radius and some carpal bones, had POP SLAP on Monday, removed on Friday morning. Then she started her mobilization exercise right away, by playing MJ. Very enthusiastic! Poor dad was left at home, making chinese medicine for her.

June fourth, forget NOT

It was my first time to join the memorial gathering for the June 4th Massacre. Personally dislike any types of political conflicts. However, this is about truth and justice. This is about people who cannot voice for themselves anymore. This is about the rotten and corrupted Chinese society, and the Poors are always the victims of the decay, like the tofu-dregs schoolhouses.

This is why, after twenty years, we still want to continue the dreams of those sacrificed students, to develop a democratic society, so that everyone in the country receives truth and justice, so that one country is not only under the influence of the communist.

Politics cannot move me. But truth and justice is far more important.

A wonderful & relaxing day

Enjoyed my alone day today. It was great. I started off with the bookstore to look up my next book to read. I found it, the one I really wanted to read, about life.

Then I enjoyed my time at the Starbucks, continued with my current book, the Twilight. It was wonderful, because the story came to the excited scenes. I can't barely put down the book.

After that, it was time to go to the theatre, watched the X-men. Don't you just love Wolferine? Even though he's mutant, he is a real superhero, doing mostly the good things.

Before heading home, I spent my time at the Promenade, trying to finishing up my current book. The sea breeze was so calming and comfortable. Then I heard someone singing. It was an old woman, pushing the wheel chair with her husband on it. They were trying to do exercise at the rails. She's healthy but her husband has Parkinson's Disease. It was great to see them doing exercise in such a great environment, esp the old man took the initiative to mobilize. What a GREAT scene.

I went home when the sun was completely rested behind the mountains. I accidentally made dinner for my dad.

I was home late already, like 7-ish. I waited and waited. He didn't come home. Therefore, I decided to make myself dinner at around 8:30pm. I boiled some vegetables, cooked some rice, heated some tomato sauce beans. It was almost done. Dad came home.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No, I bought some beef. I plan to make it now. Why don't you pan-fry the beef?"

"Okay."

And therefore, I pan-fried the beef, boiled more vegetables, and made my dad the dinner.

I didn't plan to do it. I think I did a good job at the beef. He didn't complain. At least it was edible.

Addicted

Got on my NerVE!!!

Freaking angry!!!!

After 1 week, the ankle is still swollen. People screamed at me because I was accused of letting my ankle to be THAT swollen.

"How are you going to be a physio??!!"

It's not like I wanted it to be that swollen. There was no ice at the spot. By the time I got home, after icing it, and I just wanted to rest. I wore pressure socks as well. What else am I supposed to do? It's not like I have all the equipments at home, like US. Taping it too tight will reduce circulation, lead my foot to gangrene.

My teammates could only stand around me, and asked, "what can we do for you?" Do I expect them to tape it for me?

It got on my nerve because it sounded like I was incompetent of controlling the swelling of a sprained ankle. In a month, I will get my license, and I still don't know how to control a swelling ankle. What the F?

>_<'

Post ankle sprained depression

It's happening to me again. Every single time, I am emotionally disturbed when my ankle is sprained. It is because I wasn't able to play vball for a period of time. It's so weird. I start to worry about a lot of things in life. The stress level increased drastically and I can't help myself to stop crying.

However, I was actually surprised that a friend could see the sadness in me without knowing about my injured ankle.


Today, I went to the gym, trying to take the negative energy out of me. It went well as I tried to gain my proprioception back. Then I thought, it was impossible to carry two identities at the same time. At the moment, I was an athlete and a physiotherapist. I could be anything when I am healthy, telling people what exercise to do, telling injured athletes to rest.

However, when my leg is injured, I am predominantly an athlete. The physiotherapy knowledge was hidden somewhere in my brain which couldn't be retrieved. The only thing I know is that I WANT TO GET ON COURT AGAIN ASAP!! Training so hard, progressing some one stage to another in a fast forward mode.

Once again, I experienced the loss of balance patients could have when they have their lower limbs injured. Only after I studied to be a physio, I realized that closed eyes single leg stand is un-do-able for an sprained ankle. Damn that useless ankle.

......don't need anyone to remind me that I am stubborn....... I can't even talk myself into taking a break

Sprained ankle again

Damnit.. have my ankle sprained again. Too upset because this takes volleyball away from my life. Good and Bad cos things are going crazier these days. May be it's time to stop being too active and focus on the annoying FYP and the stupid business plan....really don't have a clue what the heck is going on.

However, it wasn't as depressing as last time because I was still able to walk and go to gym room. And most importantly, there are a lot of people who care very much about my condition. Thank you very much my friends MUAH!!!!

Anyway, I only plan to rest for a week. HEAL FASTER!!!!

Troubled

My heart is troubled for these couple of days because of various reasons.

There is always difference in opinions between me and my parents. Only that I was too stupid enough to hope that we could compromise something in the end. For all these years, it was everything else in my life, I don't feel any support from my family. Absolutely none. This time, it's my future, my career. Why am I not the person who lives out my own life? At this age, after two degrees, why am I still need to be told what to do? It's so pathetic that I don't even wanna share this with anyone. Too sad to talk about.

When I took the courage to discuss serious things with them, they didn't like my idea, as usual. There is no room for discussion because there is not one moment that they think they are wrong. Esp dad, he is a person on earth who is always right about the entire universe. FINE! I will never discuss with them, NEVER! They are actually very lucky to have my friends and teachers around me to encourage me to talk to my parents. Otherwise I will be long gone without telling them, may be a phonecall from the airport.

Mom talked about creating my own family. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. When I think about my future days, if I live according to their plan, it will be so meaningless that I will wish it to be ended. Okay may be this is too serious, but then this is how depressing the situation is.

How come after all these years, they still don't accept that I am different person from they are, that we have different values. Not as money oriented as mom, not as nationalistic as dad. Their daughter only wants to live simple, help people in need, and go to church.

Do I have to wait for them to grant me these wishes? But when is it going to happen? I am betting on NEVER!

Then what's the meaning of living if I don't move away from them?




Thank you for paying for my living all these years, but don't expect me to share with you my thoughts, as you won't like it anyways. You guys have been discouraging enough to make me a person who is always not sure of myself, no confidence at all. But thanks to my overseas experience to make me realize that I am somehow useful. I shouldn't be too concern of what you guys think anymore because it's going to be exactly opposite to what I think. Therefore, forgive me for not including you guys into my life. And don't worry, as far as your concern, I will pay you back for my education.

Earth Day

Earth Day, celebrated on April 22nd, is a day designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth's environment. (Wikipedia)

On this special day of the earth, I did raise my awareness of the environment. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that the beautiful is being detroyed so quickly, by my own pair of hands.


But I should also be able to make it prettier if I contribute part of my life to saving the environment. Love this picture from the Metro today, which really did allure me to help building the beautiful flowers back into our lives. Longing for the blue sky and green land.

But how? How do I contribute?

1. Stop using too many plastic water bottles
2. Even though I have been doing it very frequently, I should still sort out the garbbage more often. Try not to create garbbage
3. Turn off the lights and electricity when not necessary. I really did that today, that's why my room was very dark for the night.
4. Beside recycling the paper, reuse the paper for other purpose
5. Use my legs more often than stairs, try to avoid the elevator.

The only thing that I still couldn't do is that..... I need to get take out food for lunch to enjoy the lovely sun during lunch time. What can I do about it?? How about bring your own utensils?

Stubbornness

Since the States, as I said before, I have lost my direction, don't what to do, where to go, and where I want to end up with. Therefore, I tried to talk to various people about their opinions on my career.

After running into Gladys the other day, she said I was stubborn. It's like De ja vu to me. I have heard that somewhere else.

EVERYBODY WAS SAYING THE SAME THING TO ME! that I am stubborn. Think I should be grateful that I haven't come to a point that I turn off my ears and close my eye to reject external advice from people.

But then I should start to realize this side of me.



Still at the centre of the crossroad. LOST

Easter

Thank You for granting me the chance to be with You for the Holy week, so that I can experienced the Passover, the Crucification, and the Resurrection with You.

Thank You for having me to be with the Eucharist, so that I can once again feel the pain you were having before the death.

Thank You for showing me the blessing You have for the new babies, so that they can be baptized because of the faith of the parents. The whole ceremony was just beautiful.

Thank You for letting me know that I am not alone in the path, that You are always with me. By reassuring me with that, I broke into tears.

Went to Lamma Island today. I knew that I had some very good friends with me. Thank you for keeping me accompanied, for you knew that I wasn't in a good mood. I love you my friend :)

In my mind

At NYC, I made a promise to myself, that after the chocolate cheesecake and the tiramisu, I was going to let go of what happened in NJ, to forget and forgive about the phonecalls. After 2 weeks of time, the status is "in good progress". However, the thing is, I just don't get it. It's like meeting another person, a complete stranger, despite the fact that we were on the phone almost every week before that. I freaking don't get it. Anyway, I am not going to look into it since there is not a point of doing. It doesn't worth the hassle. One needs to look forward and move on. And that would be me.

The other night, I had a chance to talk to Cici, my ex-vball teammate. It was probably because of the environment and one dose of alcohol, I expressed something that I don't usually say it out loud. But by expressing it, I realized the picky side of me. In the aspect of looking for the other half, there were check boxes, the so-called criteria. It includes age, height, religion, communication, personality, and most importantly my impression of the person.

Six check boxes.... that's a lot.

Then there is a person I knew who has shown interest but I completely ignored because the latter 3 boxes were left blank. Am I not picky?

After a few days, that person from far far away, told me that he hasn't changed a bit after all these years. He reminded me that it has been 8 years since the last time we met. Not that I am very interested, it sounds pretty delightful. However, isn't it a bit diffcult for people to believe that this can actually happen? That's why I am under an impression that he's coming back for a revenge.

Because of what happened at the States, all of a sudden I don't have direction. Before that I was so determined to move to Canada upon graduation. I planned for my future, my career, my destination. Right now, feels like I am at a crossroad again.

Rugby 7 '09

Rugby 7..... Never had a clue why people are so excited about this hostile, contact sport.

This year I had a chance to participate in the sideline of the medical team. What an honour!! It explains the craziness of the game. It's exactly the same as the reason why I was so into Hockey years ago.

The atmosphere was fantastic. Most of them are foreigners. That's probably an explanation for the craziness. We love the crowd, love the music, love the cheer, love the game. If I wasn't on the sideline, I am probably the girl holding up a cup of beer dancing at the bench. There were a group of people from Fiji sitting right behind us. They brought their own mini guitar to play the music, and sang along. They are not professional singers, but you can only feel the true happiness from these people from their wonderful voice.

The rugby game was not as hostile as I thought. There are tackles, knock downs, grabbing people's shirt, pushing and more pushing. Watching closely and you will find out, that you are either going to get into a fight, or stopping people from getting into the fight. I personally think that handball is actually more dangerous in the way of tackle and knocking down ppl. Rugby is very fun to watch, esp the way they pile up like stacking tower (Jenga). Then it's a game of running and making plays to fool the opponents. You don't need to be super smart, just a little, but necessary to be fast, decisive, short reaction time, superb agility and wide sighted.

In between the men's pool game, there was a women's final, Aussie vs Chinese. The Aussie girls are huge and faster which led them to championship. Steph and I were watching the game together. Suddenly she turned to me and said, "I think you would be pretty good at this game. I saw resemblance of you, when you were fighting & hassling with Wing in class."

Me, "I think so too. It's fun, and I don't think there are a lot of people who can lift me up and throw me on grass."

Rugby 7s has already been organized in Hong Kong since 1976. It only attracted more countries to participate every year. It was wonderful to see different races in a venue for an event. Once again, I experienced the unity of the world in the name of sports.

The Canadians in the audience just played the National anthem with their little trumpet. Well, we lose everything in sports, but honestly, our spirits never die. Forever patriotic

Back to HK

It feels so shitty as the weather is so humid with the sun hiding somewhere within the dark clouds.

Final match was on Saturday. We lost badly. We were sad not because we lost. It was because most of us are leaving this team this year. Choi Sze, Nam, Ching, Sonia, Carrie and I are all going to graduate this year. We played with each other for 3 years and we built up something amongst us, which was some really really wonderful thing. This year was the greatest year of all three, because we felt that we needed each other. We were each other's motivation and the team was built. REally Really thankful to be on this team and met those teammates. Thank You y'all!!!

Went to Big six today with family today. And the same old problem occurred. For some reasons, I really enjoy shopping in supermarket. I could actually spent hours in there. But for some very weird reasons, something always keeps me from having a peaceful shopping time. My aunt said I probably got too excited everytime in supermarket that's why it causes a bowel movement. Damnit!!

NJ D3 - New Hope

Another truth reveals

It took me 3 days and CAD$375 to find out.

Absolutely no words is necessarily.



It only took a huge glass of screwdriver to rescue my sinking heart.

Really should have let go earlier. WAY earlier, not arguing within myself

Just wanna get outta here and have as much fun as I can in NYC.

NJ D2 - Phillies

Con't to be speechless, words at the throat though.

NJ D1

I really didn't know what to say.

the Reason..

Meeting Mikel for the last time before departure, we went for really really delicious food at night. We had spicy fish from Sichuan, lamb dumplings which was super tasty, and lamb chops. We cannot stop ourselves from ordering beers. LOL. Oh, and he also got me birthday presents as well. Super super happy!!

After that, I met with some good old friends. A secret here... that I actually had a crush on one of them, but I can never tell anybody about him. So I saw him again, very busy with life as usual, eating lots of junk + oily food, zero exercise, chronic insufficient sleep. It seems like nothing is able to change his lifestyle. Geez.... then I figure, there is always someone you love so much but you know nothing is going to happen. It just bothers you when this person is unwell. Guess this is how friendships are.

After being pissed for a day and a half, we finally talked, and found out about the appointment which was pretty important. I think I can deal with that.

PISSED

I am pissed right now. REally Really pissed.

Someone told me that he just noticed that he has an appt somewhere else on the day I am leaving his place.

And he asked me if I can change the flight.

WTF???

It's OVER after this. IT'S OVER!!!!

REally Really PISSED.

And I will make sure I will let him know that I AM FREAKING PISSED!!!!

Birthday

I had a great birthday today.

The greatest thing was... soft snowing in the morning, not too cold, and I didn't miss the train.

My supervisor bought me a gift card for American Eagle to get a dress that I really like, a piece of Tiramisu cake, a card, and BIG WARM SOLID HUG!!!!

My mom called me and asked me to get things for her in addition to the Happy birthday.

Had a piece of cake with Anne Cheung & Siu Yin at the Williams.

Had Korean Pork Bone soup dinner with Daniel from handball team.

A peaceful night with a rare phonecall from DD at 23:30.

Thank you very much :)

Interesting week

This week started with some very interesting incidence:

Incidence #1

Mr S, a sarcastic old man, complains about everything, likes to take charge of everything, gives himself only 2 options: home or hell, was quite independent in terms in mobility, however, he insisted in putting himself W/C bounded. He requested for bed exercise, but I refused to give it to him if he doesn't cooperate with me. The goal is to "make" him to get in and out of the w/c independently. One day, he did it. Then I ordered bed exercise for him. The over the weekend, he claimed that the room is too drafty. He decided to d/c himself, called his own ambulance and went home. None of us knew about that until Monday morning.

Since when patients are allowed to d/c himself? And call his own ambulance?


Incidence #2

Mr F, alcoholism, some parkinsonism features, a very cooperative man, wants to go home and manages himself. The whole team including himself agree that inpatient rehabilitation will benefit him the most. An empty bed was available at inpt. rehab, and he was supposed to go on tuesday. Then he goes, "I don't want to go today. I am not ready yet. Can I go on Monday? I will go home today, then go to inpt. rehab on Monday."
We were all stunned.

Um... nnooo... once you go home you are discharged and can never go to rehab.
"Then I will go home tonight. And have the ambulance pick me up at home on Wednesday morning."

We all think that he just wanted to drink at home before going for more rehab. But who knows what is going through his mind.

Since when hospital turned into a hotel? And ambulance turned to a limo?


Incidence #3

Mr H, a very very nice man, DDD and resolved shingles. d/c plan is going to inpatient rehabilition. A bed space for inpt. rehab B was available. Then he goes, "I am not going to inpt. rehab B. I have been to inpt. rehab A, they've got my chart, and they know me there. I am not going anywhere except inpt. rehab A."
So the d/c coordinator swabbed him with another patient so that he can't go to inpt. rehab A.
Then when we told him about the news while the wife was present, she said, "My husband is not going to inpt. rehab A unless he has got a semi-private room."
Luckily the patient himself says something a little more reasonable, "Dear. (pause) shut up."

Incidence #4

Mrs M, a very nice spanish speaking lady, waiting for long term care. We and they have been waiting for soooooo long for a vacancy at LTC, around 2 months. Imagine staying in ACUTE hospital for 2 MONTHS???!!!! It's ridiculus. Then a vacancy FINALLY came up. It's there since last thursday and we can't contact the son to sign the paper and accept the offer.

When contacted, he said he needed 48 hours to decide. WTF????!!!!

Finally he signed and accepted, the LTC was in an outbreak. Mrs M is not leaving.

And she is STILL here. Man honestly she's here longer than I am.

Sundowning--- a new word I learnt here, describing the decreasing of cognition over the day.

Over the weekend

Saturday Outtahand tournament

We played 4 games 8sets in round robin. Then we played 3 games 9 sets in quarters, semis and finals. A total of 17 sets of vball game. And I was on the whole freaking time. Surprisingly, it wasn't that tiring, but don't challenge my contribution. I gave 110% effort. However, I started to develop (L) posterio-lateral hip pain on weight bearing from thursday. Need longer and proper warm up to eliminate the pain to play. We fought until the final minute, but lost to the 6ft3 giant white girls by two points only in the third set. Even though we lost, we put up a very good game. Greeeeat job. And I won a T-shirt.

I miss Lisa though. She is a new friend I met in vball. However, she is in Trinidad & Tobago right now, coming back to Toronto on the day I leave.

Went out with Mikel for dinner at night. We both had lamb chops and we both expected to get 2 pieces max. Then both of our dishes came with 5. FIVE lamb chops with a soup, smoked salmon salad, french fries and a drink. Soooooo full.

My heart was pounding so heart for the whole Friday night and saturday. I cannot wait to hear the result of the girls vball semifinal game for POLYU. After dinner with Mikel, I rushed home and check everything, my facebook, msn, xanga to see if there was any news. They WON!!! THEY WON!! And they said they are excited to have me back to play with them in the final game!!! I am excited to join them in the FINAL game as well. Too excited!!! From now on, I need to train myself well. TRAIN WELL!!!!

"till death do us apart"

What an unpleasant day today.

She and him are good friends for a life time.


He was admitted to the hospital.

The team says,

"Neither of them have any families in Toronto. We are her family."

"We should help her out in house chores like cooking and preparing meals. It's going to be hard for her."

Saturday morning, she called up one of her friends, crying, "He is leaving me."

So he left, and she is left alone.

I can't believe this. They were so in love with each other, it must be really really hard this sweet lady, our d/c nurse.

Everybody was so stressed out for the whole day, surprisingly, including myself, who has just known her for 3 weeks.

Work was off early, but I didn't wanna go home, went shopping instead. It's a pain in the ass when I wanted to pick a decent pair of shoes. When I finally hopped on the bus, couldn't take a nap which is the weirdest thing happened ever.

Finally home, wondering where to ventilate the blue in me, DD's name appeared on my phone and it finally was released, so as my tears. Thank you so much. Thank you DD.

Placement Week 3

It has already been three weeks. I can't believe time flies this fast. It's so sad.

The inpatient setting came as a surprise. However, it's better that I didn't think too much and just focus on what I am supposed to do. And I believe it works out well, at least until now.

There are a large varieties of patients, some really cocky, some really nice, some really chatty, some have language barrier. However, they are all awesome people and able to carry out a conversation. Sometimes we chat on more than S/E. Sometimes they need more encouragement for mobilization.

My job here is to be part of the regional geriatric team, to decide if the patient is safe to go home/rehab centre/long term care. In the mean time, I take the responsibility of keeping up the activity level of the patients while waiting for their medical condition to be more stable. Seeing the patients improve everyday under my care, no word can explain the satisfaction I have keep down there.

Thanks to Ms Poon from QM, who taught me the proper cough stimulation to trigger a good cough to avoid uncomfortable suctioning.

I feel very comfortable working with this team here. The nurse practitioner, the d/c nurse, the OT, the MD incharge, the residents, the dietitian, the recreational therapist, the PT assistants. They are all very nice and helpful. And luckily I blend in very well, thanks to my supervisor Joanna who brought me into the team.

For a very very long time, I haven't found this kind of passion of being a physiotherapist.

I have been told that physiotherapists can make a change. But in here, I experience it myself. I do make a difference in somebody's life.

I am already sad that this placement is already half way thru.