Memory

Today, I went through his blog. It's still unbelievable that he started a blog, for someone who thinks it takes up too much of his time to write down what he has done. But on the other hand, he admired my patience to keep a diary.

It looks like he took his parents for a tour. His parents are good, healthy looking. When I looked at him in the pictures, he still wears the jacket that we bought together. The shirt looked like the one I bought for his birthday, the last birthday we spent together.

He probably doesn't wear them because of sentimental reasons. But has he ever thought about me some time? When he looks at the coat and shirt, would he be thinking about how he got those things?

It's not him I miss, it's the past relationship I had. We were good together.

Midterm feedback

This is the midterm feedback today. It was quite disappointing, not because of the lack of knowledge, not because of the careless mistake I have made over the past 2 weeks. This is the first time I heard someone who said that I am not putting a lot of heart to the patients. It's like I am so eager to get things done without caring the patient's feeling.

Since when I have changed to such kind of a person? I am interested in the health care profession because I would like to care about the patients in a professional way. It's all about CARE. There should always be CARE. How come it's absent in me right now? This cannot happen. Although she said she could see me to become a bright physio, without care, I am nothing, absolutely nothing.

Excuse? I was probably too stressed out to care about how ppl think about my attitude toward a patient. As long as the patient feels comfy, I will continue to do whatever I need to do. To improve, I believe I will think more thoroughly about what the patient really wants, and how the patient really feels.

To become a good physio, you need to have the knowledge and the care. For hard working ppl, it's not difficult to get the knowledge because they just need to be hard working enough to extract information from wherever. What makes a difference is how much this physio is putting into treating his/her patient.

So, it's the heart that counts. Please bring me back the sympathy I had before.

Christmas

Compared to last year's Christmas, this year is a little it better, as I haven't expected anybody to be with me. Wing and I had pasta and pizza together before she went for her old friends reunion bbq. Although I was left a lone afterwards, I felt joyful and peaceful on this Christmas eve.


Anyways, this is not the main thing I want to share today. Christmas is season of giving and sharing. Luckily, I was scheduled to do a home assessment with the community physiotherapist. So we went up to this old lady's home and assessed her place. And as physiotherapist, there were several things we could help.

This is the kitchen. This PoPo sits on that stool to cook. Smart!

This is the toilet, the tiny little toilet. Very difficult to turn.

The living room, tiny but sufficient for PoPo.

The is the site of fall most of the time. PoPo could bear her bodyweight and give way when tries to step out from either the kitchen or the toilet.


For some strange reasons, I am kinda interested in working in the community like this. Being a community physiotherapist, we help to assess patients who could not make it to the outpatient department, and those who need to have their homes modified in order to cope with the disabilities/impairments. The "doesn't like to work in the same environment" side of me was jumping around today, a little bit to excited probably.

So yea.......Christmas again. It's not the same here in Hong Kong and I still don't like it.

Peace

The smell of failure

Eight days flied by so quickly since the first day of placement. And I still haven't encounter a successful day. My face looks exactly like this every single day.

The more questions she asked, the more the feeling of incompetency flushed up to my brain. Am I really supposed to be here?

"How come you look so puzzled?" She asked. There were 10 million things running in my mind.

'Do I know this?' 'Am I supposed to know this?' 'Where did I learn this?' 'Man, this is harmful to the patient, how come I am not alert?' I thought.

"Don't get disappointed on other ppl's comment on you. This is a learning process." She said.

'I am not disappointed on ppl's comment on me. It's just the fact that I am NOT able really drags me down, a lot. The disappointment is on myself, on how I am so not prepared to be in the ward, on how I disappoint you.' I thought.

"Don't start to doubt yourself too much when other ppl start to challenge you." She said.

'I am sorry, but how?'

"This is just bread and butter. Whenever I quiz you, so far the responses are all very disappointing." She commented.

'Yes I know. I haven't met your expectation.' I thought.

The eagerness in learning new things from her is still strong. However, sooner or later, she's gonna give up on the students who don't even have the basic, a.k.a us. Today is just another brutal day. She probably found out that we didn't know anything, not even the easy and the most superficial concepts.

1. The patient lifted up his leg from the POP slab which he's not supposed to.
2. Then I had an issue with the nurse about putting back the POP slab on before sending to Xray.
3. The next day I broke the patient's assistance alarm while lowering the rail.
4. After 8 days, we still couldn't do a satisfactory job in gait education with accessories.
5. Now we don't even know the signs and symptoms of DVT.
6. Forgot to give the assistance alarm back to the patient after transferring her back to bed.

What the heck am I doing? It feels like my first job, at DK's place. Not every collegues was nice enough to teach me stuff. Every single day, I was scared of doing harm to the patients. It was just uncomfortable to be there because the confidence level was below zero. After all these years, I can't believe I am still a piece of crap walking around with negative confidence.

Clinical placement starts

Being a student in a clinical placement is not easy. I always thought I had hospital experience before by volunteering at the Emergency department back in Toronto. It would be so easy for me to build up good rapport with patients, as well as the medical staff. Because back then, I was a nice person.

After making a horrible mistake at my last practical exam before my placement, I am not able to let go of it. The sudden release of the safety lock still sounds massively in my mind. Thinking about the consequence that I would have brought for the patient led to a helpless guilty feeling. I would have failed me if I were the teacher. Luckily, she knew me thorough enough that it was an accident, a terrible accident which affected my confidence and performance.

So, my clinical place started with THAT!! With a horrified heart, I was so scared of doing anything wrong, since there is no second chance in the ward. Lack of confidence helped me to gain distrust from the clinical educator. Nervous to answer questions, nervous to proceed, the CE thought I didn't know anything who also didn't do the revision. The progress was so slow as I wasn't firm enough to proceed before consulting her. Also, because of my shaking heart and trembling hand at the ward, the mistake of carelessness made external. I broke the security of the patient today. It was not disconnected. IT WAS BROKEN!! @_@

Despite the fact that I was not that competent in working in the ward, I started to like what I am doing. I started to be thankful to have her as my CE. I started to worry that the last day of this placement is going to come too soon.

I wish to learn more.....MORE......not in the hard way though.

Practical exam

Sitting at the computer room to wait for my last exam was the crappiest feeling ever. Given the fact that I will only have half a day of semester break, my relaxation time is terribly stolen away. Just wanna SCREAM!!!

Waiting waiting waiting...... it's only one thirty.... my exam doesn't start until three thirty. And there is delay.

Where is my Christmas?

I complaint that it was a little bit too quiet last Christmas. Comparing to this year, which I have no holiday, I found out that I had a luxorious holiday.

Contribute to the community

Today, at the last lecture of the cardiopulmonary physiotherapy class, the lecture talked about how we should educate the public about cardiopulmonary conditions so to prevent it. I definitely think we do have this duty to inform the public about the hazards in the community nowadays. It will be more effective in the treatment if they are actually aware of the problem.

Serving the community, it was my goal from long long time ago. However, as life becomes more and more hectic, and people around you are getting more competitive, I believe I have changed to an aggressive and competitive person as well. The idea today reminds me of what I wanted before, and how I have changed. And the intention of serving the community comes back. It drew my attention to how important it is to let the community to prevent the disease before getting.

I sincerely thank this lecturer.

New blog, new life

During this exhausting exam period, everyday seems the same. Besides drowning with books and notes, how could I make today a more special day?

I decided to start this new blog of mine, indicating my new life here in a new city, Hong Kong. It shouldn't be new to me as I was brought up here. However, it sure takes time to acquaint this place and to love the crowd around me.

Remember I talked about how I can't let go of my past? That's why I keep my life in the other blog, without changing the links and everything. And this is challenge for myself, to see how much I get myself into in this technological forrest.

Ha....coming back for my stupid study, neuroscience.

10 months later

Wow, this is how long I haven't had any input into this blog. And what takes me back today? It's the same thing which helped me to start this blog. We both left the country and started a whole brand new life somewhere else, like we're almost too afraid to meet each other again.

Not only I went through the blog of this person, two years later, almost three, I also went through my life two three years ago. It was a pity that my name disappears at the life in the past. It bugs me.

People say, life moves on. The planet keeps spinning. It seems like everybody is just strong enough to face the future, to live a new life. Am I the only person who stays in the memory? Am I the only person who couldn't let go of the past?

Considering what I am right now, am I going to miss this life once I decide to leave?

Almost forgot how much I actually love this blog....