Crisis

I don't mean to babble here everyday about how I don't enjoy my life here. But then, whenever this sensitive topic was brought up, tears flooding wasn't able to be avoided, like what happened today during breakfast.

Thanks Celia very much for keeping my accompanied in the crazy Karaoke room last night, to keep me from thinking..... and crying.

Smile is gone

It was about a year ago that I met this friend, after I came back from the olympics. We had dinner Friday night to "celebrate" his birthday. The conversation was great but I didn't expect him to ask me direct questions and to give direct comments. Don't get me wrong, I like people to be as direct as possible because it saves a lot of guessing. This is the key of communication.



Anyway, the direct questions touched the sensitive zone of mine, like guys and dating. I gave the most direct answer. "No guy was around while I'm in HK, for all these three years."



The direct comments told the truth that a lot of people wouldn't tell me. He said, "You look prettier than the last time I saw you. But you are upset. You smiled a lot even though you still needed to deal with the family problem back then. Now it seems like everything's resolved but your smile has vanished. What happen to you?"



Is it really? Am I that easy to read? Honestly, I don't really get to see this friend very often. My parents can't tell that I have been crying everyday for already almost a week. He read my mind thoroughly. The only thing he doesn't know is what on earth took the happiness away from me.



The problem is too complicated. Work, family, imaginery relationship.



To make the story short, work is the only place I can find satisfaction of life. After work, I am kinda lost. One day I came home, I was glad and relieved not to see anybody at home. When they came home, there were complaints of pain. "Mon, my shoulder's hurting." "Mon, I think it's time to show your talent on my neck." It's not like I didn't want to do it. Number 1, they usually take that for granted and it's my fault if I refuse. Number 2, I am so damn tired from work both physically and mentally. It would be nice if I can have a break, thank you very much. Just stop talking to me.



Please, someone get me outta here.

Emotional breakdown

I always blame the coffee, even though it's the love of my life.

Volleyball is one of the most enjoyable time during the busy week. However, like the other issues in life, it became a heavy burden on my pre-existing negative energy. I cried on court. The coach wasn't there, so players tried to come up with some "organized" drills. To be honest, those were quite organized but not effective at all. I tried to give advice but obviously it wasn't accepted. Teammates suffered and I observed their face to become more pale in the middle of the drill. It was my turn. I honestly thought I went through the sports induced asthmatic attack.

The sense of failure, incompentancy, insufficient came altogether at the same moment. I can't take it anymore so I went out and cried out loud.

Work is supposed to be fun, but it isn't fun anymore.
Volleyball is supposed to be fun, but it isn't fun anymore.
Life is supposed to be fun, but there is nothing enjoyable at all.

Whenever I think of the fact that I am stuck with this life forever and ever, I can't help myself from bursting into tears. This fragile girl here is waiting for someone to rescue from the current life right now. She needs help to find the reachable goals and foreseeable directions.

Where is this rescue? She hasn't been waiting long enough. Where is ....?

Honeymoon has gone

Two weeks ago, I still thought that I had the greatest profession on earth. I still thought that I was able to offer assistance to people in need. I still thought that I could gain satisfaction from what I do everyday. However, for these two weeks, far too much has happened. It was too overwhelming, and I started to question my own competency.

Honeymoon period has gone. I started to face challenging patients, challenging cases, challenging scenarios. The word "enjoy" doesn't fit in everyday life anymore because the only thing I should do is to maximally avoid "weird" things to happen.

A lot of my colleagues believe in me, including my dearest PI. To disappoint them is the very last thing I wanna do.

P.S. If patients could offer a little help..... STOP ASPIRATION!!!

Dreamer

It was such a wonderful night. With crowds of people in the water world, I found my dearest friends hanging around together.

The ones who have class, enjoyed a glass of champagne with me in the pool. Spotlights were located at the bottom of the pool, providing a dim environment, a relaxed atmosphere. We saluted with our glasses and laughter floated automatically around us. What an enjoyable moment!!

Time flew by like the speed of light. We didn't realize it was morning already. Everybody was about to leave. At the elevator, I met you. You came to this wonderful water world too. But you didn't seem to plan on enjoying the time here, as you were carrying a huge stack of notes with a folder. I called your name. You stopped and looked back, smiling to me. You agreed that it was a waste to give up the nice playground for work. That's why I took you to the shore. We took off our shoes, dipped our feet into the water. It was refreshing! Not only because of the cool water, gentle breeze, but also we were enjoying this precious time together. You almost wanted to freshen up yourself by dipping your head into the water. I was so glad that you finally learned to entangle yourself and live in the moment.

But then, time has come and my soul was forced back to reality.......