Shitty April

That was a FB status stated by Mav. Then I guess my emotions got a bit more stable and started to look at the bright side.

In this difficult period, I have friends to listen to my BS from work and stuff. They hanged out with me and kept me accompanied. They listened to me patiently until I got sick of myself complaining nonstop. They offered me pets & hugs to ensure that everything's gonna be okay, at least psychologically.

I have my parents to go on vacation so that I could experience quiet moments in the shelter.

I have papa at work who takes good care of me physically & mentally. When I need help in dealing with patients, he offers me help. When I start to lose confidence, he offers me encouragement. When I am a bit upset with situations, he offers me jokes for my laughter. When I feel stressful at times, he offers me afternoon tea =)

I have mama & big bro at work who allow me to whine.

Also, guess I am entering the phase of acceptance. "It's gonna be okay...."

ISQ

When bad things happen, it means you luck is going downhill. Then you wait for the day when things turn better. I am still waiting for that day to come, in the mean time, my luck is still going downhill.

The boss of that Indonesian maid from Chile called to complain.

My head went through the process of blowing up, headache, breaking into tears.

TELL ME WHEN THIS IS GONNA END?!

Lunch time, I prayed as usual. I was actually pretty upset. Since I have been crying everytime I talked to Lord. He knew everything and it was really useless for me to say anything. So my prayer goes,

"Dear Lord, please bless the food we eat, so we could work for your Glory. Blessings to Jordi, please take care of him in every aspect of his life. And.... I don't have anything else to say. Amen."

It's like hanging up on the phone to God, with anger. I just didn't wanna express how devastated I was again and again.

PaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPaPa

At the end of the day, Thomas PaPa and I talked a bit probably because he knew I was a bit upset with what happened. And you know what, I think it was Jesu's word through the mouth of PaPa. He reminded me about the things I learned through those difficult situations, like what happened in the SPSS course. And he thought that I was a bit more sensitive to troublesome situations. I interpreted that as a complement.

Dinner was with Mav at MK, and found out that we went through about the same situation these coupla months. Guess he's a bit positive than I was. And Jesu said, don't be so short sighted. I understand it's very difficult at the moment, but try to give it two weeks, then another week to get over it. You should regard it as an experience, a joyful experience you earned. The best is yet to come.

So, that's what I got after hanging up on our Lord?

Head blown up

Si, my head is gonna blow up soon.

Everything is back to what happened the end of January 2011. My emotion was triggered by Mav's status. Guess he returned to the status the end of Jan.

It felt like I lost someone important. Our lives go separately since the day we said our Goodbye. I tried my very best to accept what happen, and to adapt the situation. In order to do that, I will have to shift my attention to something else, a.k.a my career.

Unfortunately, my career is covered with dark clouds. If I pay too much attention on it, sooner or later I am gonna get admitted to psychiatric ward. Tears drop at around 5pm almost everyday, then headache follows.

Before, I thought life was a bit better because someone helped me emotionally to share some of my burden, and told me that everything's gonna be alright. These days, there wasn't. Therefore, work is difficult with no one to carry away the burden.

Home isn't really a shelter I wanna escape to because there is too much problem itself. Dad just said that I had too many clothes that not even a 2000 sq ft house can accommodate. In fact, I don't even have a personal wardrobe at the moment. So please stop yelling at me.

Family, relationship, work; all become a mess afterall.

Lord, everytime I close my eyes and pray, you know about my deepest feelings without me saying it even though no one around me notices. How long is this gonna last? Cos I feel very weak now with zero energy to handle, to fight...... have mercy on me

Back to work

The first two days back to work were at M floor. The most joyful thing happened would be having a chance to meet a patient from RMD. She was 93 years old and she recognized me. I could talk to her freely about everything. And I can hold her hands and wish her good luck. It was the first day I returned to the K4 dungeon today. I didn't look forward to it, just tried to take it easy, seeing patients one by one. I think Thomas PaPa was kinda freaked out the first time he saw my tears off my eyes. But when it happened again today, he calmly sat in front of the computer, joking with the supporting staff. I was so glad that he gave me a moment to gather my thought with the sea of blue folders. With the tears, I ran for my Marks & Spencer Viennese Double Chocolate Sandwich. Thomas PaPa comforted me by the recognition of a can of Coke Cola in the fridge, and shared with me my anti depressin. He said, "I need to help you a bit because it seems like you can't control yourself (appetite-wise). " Thanks so much Thomas PaPa. I don't even wanna talk about what happened at the dungeon because it gave me severe headache, and wonder why people have to be so difficult to deal with, or why things have to be that complicated. Lord, I certainly cannot handle this without You. Please Please Please, stay with me and carry me through. Mucho Gracias!