Troubled

My heart is troubled for these couple of days because of various reasons.

There is always difference in opinions between me and my parents. Only that I was too stupid enough to hope that we could compromise something in the end. For all these years, it was everything else in my life, I don't feel any support from my family. Absolutely none. This time, it's my future, my career. Why am I not the person who lives out my own life? At this age, after two degrees, why am I still need to be told what to do? It's so pathetic that I don't even wanna share this with anyone. Too sad to talk about.

When I took the courage to discuss serious things with them, they didn't like my idea, as usual. There is no room for discussion because there is not one moment that they think they are wrong. Esp dad, he is a person on earth who is always right about the entire universe. FINE! I will never discuss with them, NEVER! They are actually very lucky to have my friends and teachers around me to encourage me to talk to my parents. Otherwise I will be long gone without telling them, may be a phonecall from the airport.

Mom talked about creating my own family. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. When I think about my future days, if I live according to their plan, it will be so meaningless that I will wish it to be ended. Okay may be this is too serious, but then this is how depressing the situation is.

How come after all these years, they still don't accept that I am different person from they are, that we have different values. Not as money oriented as mom, not as nationalistic as dad. Their daughter only wants to live simple, help people in need, and go to church.

Do I have to wait for them to grant me these wishes? But when is it going to happen? I am betting on NEVER!

Then what's the meaning of living if I don't move away from them?




Thank you for paying for my living all these years, but don't expect me to share with you my thoughts, as you won't like it anyways. You guys have been discouraging enough to make me a person who is always not sure of myself, no confidence at all. But thanks to my overseas experience to make me realize that I am somehow useful. I shouldn't be too concern of what you guys think anymore because it's going to be exactly opposite to what I think. Therefore, forgive me for not including you guys into my life. And don't worry, as far as your concern, I will pay you back for my education.

Earth Day

Earth Day, celebrated on April 22nd, is a day designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth's environment. (Wikipedia)

On this special day of the earth, I did raise my awareness of the environment. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that the beautiful is being detroyed so quickly, by my own pair of hands.


But I should also be able to make it prettier if I contribute part of my life to saving the environment. Love this picture from the Metro today, which really did allure me to help building the beautiful flowers back into our lives. Longing for the blue sky and green land.

But how? How do I contribute?

1. Stop using too many plastic water bottles
2. Even though I have been doing it very frequently, I should still sort out the garbbage more often. Try not to create garbbage
3. Turn off the lights and electricity when not necessary. I really did that today, that's why my room was very dark for the night.
4. Beside recycling the paper, reuse the paper for other purpose
5. Use my legs more often than stairs, try to avoid the elevator.

The only thing that I still couldn't do is that..... I need to get take out food for lunch to enjoy the lovely sun during lunch time. What can I do about it?? How about bring your own utensils?

Stubbornness

Since the States, as I said before, I have lost my direction, don't what to do, where to go, and where I want to end up with. Therefore, I tried to talk to various people about their opinions on my career.

After running into Gladys the other day, she said I was stubborn. It's like De ja vu to me. I have heard that somewhere else.

EVERYBODY WAS SAYING THE SAME THING TO ME! that I am stubborn. Think I should be grateful that I haven't come to a point that I turn off my ears and close my eye to reject external advice from people.

But then I should start to realize this side of me.



Still at the centre of the crossroad. LOST

Easter

Thank You for granting me the chance to be with You for the Holy week, so that I can experienced the Passover, the Crucification, and the Resurrection with You.

Thank You for having me to be with the Eucharist, so that I can once again feel the pain you were having before the death.

Thank You for showing me the blessing You have for the new babies, so that they can be baptized because of the faith of the parents. The whole ceremony was just beautiful.

Thank You for letting me know that I am not alone in the path, that You are always with me. By reassuring me with that, I broke into tears.

Went to Lamma Island today. I knew that I had some very good friends with me. Thank you for keeping me accompanied, for you knew that I wasn't in a good mood. I love you my friend :)

In my mind

At NYC, I made a promise to myself, that after the chocolate cheesecake and the tiramisu, I was going to let go of what happened in NJ, to forget and forgive about the phonecalls. After 2 weeks of time, the status is "in good progress". However, the thing is, I just don't get it. It's like meeting another person, a complete stranger, despite the fact that we were on the phone almost every week before that. I freaking don't get it. Anyway, I am not going to look into it since there is not a point of doing. It doesn't worth the hassle. One needs to look forward and move on. And that would be me.

The other night, I had a chance to talk to Cici, my ex-vball teammate. It was probably because of the environment and one dose of alcohol, I expressed something that I don't usually say it out loud. But by expressing it, I realized the picky side of me. In the aspect of looking for the other half, there were check boxes, the so-called criteria. It includes age, height, religion, communication, personality, and most importantly my impression of the person.

Six check boxes.... that's a lot.

Then there is a person I knew who has shown interest but I completely ignored because the latter 3 boxes were left blank. Am I not picky?

After a few days, that person from far far away, told me that he hasn't changed a bit after all these years. He reminded me that it has been 8 years since the last time we met. Not that I am very interested, it sounds pretty delightful. However, isn't it a bit diffcult for people to believe that this can actually happen? That's why I am under an impression that he's coming back for a revenge.

Because of what happened at the States, all of a sudden I don't have direction. Before that I was so determined to move to Canada upon graduation. I planned for my future, my career, my destination. Right now, feels like I am at a crossroad again.