The courage to talk

Mucho Gracias a GiGi y Vincy. They both gave me so much encouragement to speak up, to express my thoughts to the confused friend. Therefore, I picked up my cellphone, gave him a call and requested to talk. This act has to be done anyways because I felt a bit rude for not squeezing out a single word the night he said those things, like 6 years ago.


Honestly, I truly understand his concerns and worries. When one moves to another country, when one has his living environment totally flipped, and when one has to make life decisions for the very first time in his early thirties, I can completely feel the frustration in between. It made me think of the change of environment when I first moved to Canada, when I first got isolated from the Chinese gangs, when I first entered the university, when I first started working, and when I first moved back to HK. Every time, I guess I was lucky enough to have friends around me, who had never given up on me.


First, the friends from ESL class who helped me a lot on getting use to the routines in Canada; the Indian girl who tagged along with me in Highschool; the University friends in class & volleyball who kept me accompanied in the huge UofT; Alen, Ross & Lisa taught me a lot at the Integrated Pain clinic; In HK I had Steph Isaac vball friends and my lovely Jongmates to go through difficult times with me.

Back to the his story, he is going through a difficult time right now. New environment, new business, new things to learn. Sometimes he loses confidence in himself on his own ability to handle these things. I am sure he is tough enough to do so. But we are all human. At some point, we get tired. We will be emotionally burdened, and stop trusting ourselves.


In his case, there probably becomes a bit more complicated because it also takes time and experience for him to learn about himself. When we face distress, sometimes we are surprised with the way we react. This is a learning process which everyone has to go through. And you may not see the end of it because in different stage of your life, people react differently. This little boy sees this as a huge aspect of life but perhaps hasn't understood that it could change.


I agree that he needs some time to be alone to put bits and pieces together, to better understand himself in return. However, this process is not gonna be the same if he does that alone. Because when he came out of his little casa and interact with people, the result may be entirely different. Then he will enter the loop again. With the care I have for him, I wouldn't want to leave him alone to face all the questions himself. It's as hurtful to him as to me to see him in distress. This time, it's me who wants him to rest in my embrace, petting on his head, whispering in this ears, "Everything will be okay."

Happiness you share to maximize the joy;

Sorrows you share to lighten your burden.

¿Te entiende, chico?

Felt like 2005

It's almost soured to a point that no words can be squeezed out anymore. Thanks to Evan and the Haagen Diaz Belgium chocolate icecream, which slowed down my tears for a bit last night.

Dear JD,

Guess it's just as difficult as for you to say it out loud and for myself to perceive it eh?! And likewise, I need some time to put things together as well. Sorry for being so silent that night, hope I didn't make you feel too uncomfortable. If you really meant what you said, trust me, I understand your stand point. And that's why I did not want to be part of the tension in your life. But there is one thing I would like you to remember. Talk to me when needed because I think I am one of the people who can understand you very well, and vice versa. My prayers will always be with you, your family and Columbus, as usual, even though not as strong as yours :)

Take good care of yourself. Ciao.

Sounded exactly the same as Efung 6 years ago. Told you it was a deadend , but Chiara you still like to bump your head into this.

Mother Teresa said, "iT DoeS NoT MaTTeR

Man is unreasonable, ilogical, selfish

It does not matter, love him!

Honesty and sincerity make you vulnerable

It does not matter, be frank and honest!

What has taken you years to build, can be destroyed in an instant

It does not matter, build!

Give the world your best, and they will kick you for it

It does not matter, give your best!"

Yes, but I learnt not to stop trusting, not to stop loving, not to stop hoping.

But God, sometimes I get very tired.

Be sure to wipe my tears because you said

"I have called you by your name, you are mine.

You are precious in my sight,

and honoured,

and I love you"

(Isaiah 43:1,4)

Isaiah 43: 1-21

1 And now, thus says Yahweh, he who created you, Jacob, who formed you, Israel: Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine.

2 Should you pass through the waters, I shall be with you; or through rivers, they will not swallow you up. Should you walk through fire, you will not suffer, and the flame will not burn you.

3 For I am Yahweh, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. I have given Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

4 Since I regard you as precious, since you are honoured and I love you, I therefore give people in exchange for you, and nations in return for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I shall bring your offspring from the east, and gather you from the west.

6 To the north I shall say, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back!' Bring back my sons from far away, and my daughters from the remotest part of the earth,

7 everyone who bears my name, whom I have created for my glory, whom I have formed, whom I have made.

8 Bring forward the people that is blind, yet has eyes, that is deaf and yet has ears.

9 Let all the nations assemble, let the peoples gather here! Which of them has proclaimed this and revealed things to us in the past? Let them bring their witnesses to justify themselves, let others hear and say, 'It is true.'


10 You yourselves are my witnesses, declares Yahweh, and the servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that it is I. No god was formed before me, nor will be after me.

11 I, I am Yahweh, and there is no other Saviour but me.

12 I have revealed, have saved, and have proclaimed, not some foreigner among you. You are my witnesses, declares Yahweh, I am God,

13 yes, from eternity I am. No one can deliver from my hand; when I act, who can thwart me?

14 Thus says Yahweh, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: For your sake I have sent to Babylon, I shall knock down all the prison bars, and the Chaldaeans' shouts of joy will change to lamentations.

15 I am Yahweh, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your king.

16 Thus says Yahweh, who made a way through the sea, a path in the raging waters,

17 who led out chariot and horse together with an army of picked troops: they lay down never to rise again, they were snuffed out, put out like a wick.

18 No need to remember past events, no need to think about what was done before.

19 Look, I am doing something new, now it emerges; can you not see it? Yes, I am making a road in the desert and rivers in wastelands.

20 The wild animals will honour me, the jackals and the ostriches, for bestowing water in the desert and rivers on the wastelands for my people, my chosen one, to drink.

21 The people I have shaped for myself will broadcast my praises.

New Volleyball Shoes

Got a new pair of volleyball shoes today, as another birthday gift for myself. The first gift was the Jimmy's wallet last week. Thanks to JD who accompanied me to the vshop. Without him, I'd never make my way up there.


But actually, the topic today has nothing to do with vball shoes. My day was perfecto until my Adios with JD and met up with my Jongmates, whom I could talk about everything in life related to my faith. One asked me about my most concerned items in life at present. Without hesitation, I said, "I am worried that I am gonna be stuck with my parents for the rest of my life." They all made the same conclusion for me, you should find a partner as a companion in life.


Like I have never known this is one of the best solutions of all. Who knows when God's gonna send me my life partner? Or never? I sobbed quietly everytime. Probably because I still feel a bit lonely from the bottom of my heart, but no one has to notice about it. Like, who wants to travel alone when there is accompany? Who likes to pay a self visit to emergency room when there is someone who cares enough? Don't say it like it's my choice because I am capable. Capability does not equal to a desire.


Then I thought of my last break up. Have I been acting a bit too understanding? I accepted whatever Efung said and not to cause him anymore trouble after that. Never hung up on him, never yelled selfish at him, never cried in front of him, but suffering by myself indeed. At that time, I thought he had enough stress to deal with and hopefully our thing would not add on extra burden for him. But nowadays, I have heard stories like completely opposite of my way of dealing with similar situation, makes me wonder. So I was allowed to call him and hang up on him? I was allowed to yell selfish at him? I was allowed to cry in front of him?

These days JD comes around. Even though we chat a lot, it is still clueless on what is going to happen next. On that trouble day of work (yesterday), I really wish myself could rest a little in his embrace and let him pet on my head, whispering to me that 'everything will be okay'. But then the "keep a bit DISTANT" is on progress I think. May be Evan was right. If a guy really wants to go out with me, nothing can stop him from spending time with. If not, there will only be endless excuses.

Baby Chiara, save yourself from drowning before too much disappointment.